What F2 and F3 in SMSJ taught me

I finally broke down and told my mom I didn't want to go to school. I just could not take it; the whispers, the staring, the silent treatment and mean looks. It was unbearable. As far as I was concerned I didn't do anything really bad like the kind of thing that could harm people's reputation or lives for that matter. I tried in vain to apologize, begged my way to forgiveness, trying to win that smile. I tried calling, I tried e-mailing, but nothing seemed to work. Well, you've guessed it. All these politics among girls have existed for centuries. Girls fight over popularity, envious of who's better looking than who or even who's smarter than who. Sad to say, worst of all - girls fight over boys. The most shameful of all the reasons to fight. I must admit, I was once guilty of that too. For ages I tried to come to terms with that hurtful things some of my friends did to me. I endured and of course I've forgiven them even though I did not get any actual apology for being mean from them. Now honestly, I could not care less. I wish all of them well and I don't hold a single grudge in my heart.
I was also wrong, and immature. Guess what, we were all the same. However, the one thing that I failed to comprehend was what's the wisdom behind all this? Apart from - if it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger. All those crap didn't quite come in handy until last night happened. Prior to that 3 upper-6 girls were caught sleeping in the comfort of their own room in the hostel during school hours. The school's discipline teacher took matters into her hands and they really got it from her. I could not back them up. The unspoken rule in the teaching field, you just don't over step certain boundaries and rules are rules, so they belong to the disciplinarians.
There has also been a lot of noise and grouses about this group of upper 6 girls and that group of upper 6 girls. The split was so obvious and I could not bear this any longer – especially because I’ve had my share of girl conflicts. With my knowledge and experience I had to play the mediator to help these kids understand each other and themselves better. As usual, everything turned out to be plain misunderstandings. We build our beliefs based on mere assumptions, putting our feelings and emotions in front before our heads – we’re all guilty of that at many points in our lives, especially girls and they grow up to be women. So I helped them communicate. They did and it did almost turn ugly with emotions escalating – typical girls. Then they did finally shake their hands and showed some love and we all hugged like some crazy in love people. I personally felt it inside my heart. When I was going through such a difficult time in school I dealt with it, mostly on my own and I had to resort to somewhat making myself smaller so I could gain some sympathy and forgiveness for whatever I did wrong – like I still don’t know what it was for sure but whatever. Allah knew for sure that for me to be a good teacher, a teacher who gives a damn about my kids I must be equipped. What best way to learn if not by making mistakes and experiencing them. Therefore, now I see the point why it was necessary for me to go through that. It clearly makes me a good teacher. A teacher who cares, a teacher who guides and show love. Actually I’m far from there, but I’m learning. Well ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Aida just became a mediator.
P/s: Kids can be mean and adults can be like kids too sometimes. Think about it.

Soleha

I remember the first week she stayed at the hostel. She cried, and cried, and cried. Poor little girl being away from home for the first time. Soleha didn't talk much, whatever happened she insisted to go back home. In school she wore wrinkled uniform and there were whispers about her being a stinky kid. That struck me as plain cruel of these kids to label a person like that. Oh, well...children, what do you expect? I decided to ask her dorm mates. One said, "Teacher, dia tak basuh basuh baju..." The other uttered, "Teacher dia tak gosok baju". Another whispered, "Teacher, dia malas mandi. Kalau ramai orang dia bukan mandi pergi sekolah!" Was this really true? I approached Soleha and very subtly broached the subject. What started off as a simple get-to-know each other conversation turned out to reveal many things about this often quiet and shy girl. Soleha's family consists of only three people. Her father passed away a few years back and her mother worked at a school canteen, earning a few hundreds to bring up her daughters. Soleha's sister is in standard 5 and the reason why she doesn't iron her school uniform is simply because she never had an iron at home. Okay, that explains. Apart from that, she's also a slow learner and that was said to be heridetary. That explains the part about her lack of self hygiene care. For most of us, everything is laid nicely on our first day of school, crisp new uniforms, white canvas shoes and a brand new backpack to match. We march into the school compund followed by a grown-up, ensuring that we have safely arrived at our school. We walk in confidently and try to find fimiliar faces, we also don't fail to make new friends on the first day. However for Soleha, not having a transport to school forced her to stay in the hostel. Her mother could not accompany her to school and she had to come with a neighbour who has a car. For most of us also, puberty comes when we are aware of what it is. Girls in school would equip themselves with sanitary napkins and they usually know the existance of bra as early as standard 2 and start putting them on at standard 5 or 6. For Soleha, it's a total shock to see that red blood stain on her undies. Plus, she doesn't even have a bra. After knowing this girl, I realised how blessed and lucky I have been. I have never seen such a thing and looking at this girl grinning and joyful despite her hardship really touched me. I on the other hand, keep complaining about life here. So, what can I do? Upon receiving the reward after my torturous SPM marking experience last year, I've decided to spare some cash to get Soleha some supplies. I got her next month's supply of Kotex plus some new undies. They were really cute! Haha...Soleha took the paper bag and smiled sheepishly. She didn't utter a word but I knew the contents of that paperbag meant something to her. It felt great :)

Happy Belated Teacher's Day

May 16 - the only day you see teachers really smiling, hehe...really? nah, teachers also smile when students do well in exams, give good answers or even a simple gesture of greeting teachers as students pass by them. On this very day, at least a teacher's frown is not visible, a teacher feels happy that they are doing this noble deed for the betterment of the younger generation. Isn't that something? Often times, we only see the fierce side of them, forgetting that what they are doing is merely a responsibility, a promise to the nation that they will do whatever it takes to prepare the young generation for the real world out there. It's not so much of producing strings of As, but more of hoping and expecting to see positive attitude in students. Praying that they will be hardworking, take education and life seriously and most importantly become successful in the future both here and in the hereafter. On a personal level, although I've had my share of disappointments with students and there were times I lost some control and composure resulting in some of them feeling hurt inside but honestly, I mean well. Students always misunderstand this and hold grudges, maybe I've done that too as a student, but bottomline once teachers get back to the staffroom, that anger subsides and we always say, "Let's make tomorrow a better day. Start anew, and we'll see what happens." Kids, we love you! This reminds me of those great teacher movies; i.e. Dangerous Minds, Freedom Writers, Sister Act and The Dead Poet's Society. To follow their style, it's impossible given the surrounding and environment we're living in. However, I believe many teachers in Malaysia resemble that spirit of never giving up and perservering despite all the negative attitudes and feedback we get from our students. This profession defines the phrase a 'love hate relationship'. You hate it and love all at the same time. Once in it, you plunge into this pool of emotions and no matter how you try to be professional about everything you can only say at the end of the day, "I'm only human, I've done what I can the best way I know how." To my students especially 3 Venus kids - You can do it!!!

HELLo world!

My oh my, haven't I been silent for a LONG time...i don't think I have any fans, I also like it better that way because this blog was only meant to channel some of my thoughts over what is happening, has happened and possibly will happen in school. So, it's already five months since we started schooling this year. This time my responsibilities include teaching both form 6 classes and 1 form 3 class. I'm also the Ketua Unit MUET - which means my job encompasses registering students for MUET, preparing them for the exam, make sure the payment is made on time, preparing the exam hall and become the invigilator for the speaking test. I went through quite a lot doing all these things, but they weren't too bad...although in the beginning I was quite anxious and pretty confused I've somewhat got the hang of it now. The only BIG problem I'm facing now is with the form 3 students - they're weak in English, lazy and has little motivation to learn. Of course not all of them but the small number still frustrates me. I've tried numerous ways and even lost my composure once. Alhamdulillah, I'm slowly seeing some changes in them. Here's the real challenge people, dealing with really weak students. It sometimes makes me feel like a failure. There were times when it felt like I've not achieved anything, but the little positive responses that I get are crucial to help me tell myself that I must not give up - EVER! I've got to go outside the confines of the syllabus, but the limitations often times kill my drive. How am I supposed to teach what is in the textbook when my students don't even know what a doctor does - not that they don't know but they just can't say it in English. Their repertoire of english vocabulary is too little sometimes I think my niece knows more words than they do! God, that's painful! It does sound like I'm complaining, but seriously it's mostly stress and frustration. Let's talk about something else then, something outside the classroom...

december - school's OUT but not for me...

These fingers have not tapped on the keyboard to share her boring thoughts to the world for A LONG TIME! Firstly, I don't think anyone's following so no pressure for me to keep updating my blog. Someday InsyaAllah I hope this blog will come in handy for my students, especially because next year I'll be teaching form 6 so it's part of the purpose to get students in touch with several different ways of learning and in this new era independent learning has become a buzz. I hope the internet connection is good enough to make this happen. I'm thinking of several ideas to kick start my lessons next year. Taylor Swift's Fifteen would be a good song for these students I suppose. Basically the song is about all the lessons learnt from one's first love. All the 'I told you so' incidents, you know what I mean. Perhaps for Malaysians, introduction to the song at the age of eighteen is not too late. As for me I experienced my own share of love and hurt at that age, hopefully it wouldn't be too far out of reach for my students as well. Apart from teaching form 6, I'll also be teaching form 3 for half a year. Only half a year because lower six students will be coming in in june, so before that I still can teach form 3 students. I've kind of gelled with these students so I didn't want to let them go when I was told I will solely be teaching F6. I then settled for half a year before another teacher takes over. Just a bit about what I'm doing now which is supposed to be P&C, huhu, I'm currently marking SPM papers. Sorry, can't reveal anything much but boy, isn't it painful! I'm just seriously appalled by the students' level of English. You go to school for 6 + 5 years + perhaps 2 years of kindergarten, and you don't know anything? Not even how to string a decent simple or compound sentence? It actually dawned upon me just how left behind these kids are. What will their future be like? Some of them were struggling and that was still fine because even though they weren't any good but they tried but quite a handful simply just gave up! How can you put your future on the line like that? I kept thinking hard and long and it really upset me as to how their English had become this poor? What were their teachers doing? As a teacher myself, I had form four students who will most likely be like those cases I've mentioned too. I tried to get them interested, but everything was just too difficult for them. I brought the level down to kindergarten but in reality SPM is nothing close to that. We need to a major revamp in school. Almost everything about the schools in this country is not conducive for learning. To top it up, English acquisition, not merely learning, is about the exposure one gets to the language. That's why it's no surprise any kid from the town can speak English but my students can't even ask for my permission to go to toilet properly. How can I get it through to their minds that English is not difficult, it's so much fun!!!

My VerY OWN timetable

Effective right after 2nd term school break, the new timetable will be used. I was very excited and really looking forward to continuing my journey in the teaching profession with something to call my own. I was given 4 classes; 1M, 2KAA, 2M and 4T. I was contemplating whether I should wear that fierce teacher persona that will usually wear off as my true self emerges. To tell you the truth I don't think I play that part really well since I'm not very good at being fierce. However, when push comes to shove I can be really serious and sometimes even nasty. I really don't want to resort to that though. Besides, how long do I have left? Approximately 3 months? Back to my preparation, I simply did the basics; asked for my own record book (which they said has finished and after I made my own they said they found one!), looked for the CS and Scheme of Work and browsed through them and fished for the textbooks. Surprisingly, literature texts next year will be different - about time they made some changes anyway. I took a closer look at the textbooks - somehow it seems a bit far fetched if I were to do all these with the students in this school. It is surprising how wide the gap is between urban and rural schools. In rural schools the textbook is too difficult for their standard while on the other hand it is far too easy for some of the urban schools. I sometimes wonder, what did these kids learn in primary school? Had they forgotten everything or they were simply not taught? It's the kind of question that goes through your mind but never get to answer, all the time! Anyways, the first class I entered was on Sept 1st and it was 2M. The size of the class was average, not that big, which is good. The moment I opened my mouth, they seemed awed by this foreign language that I uttered. Their blank stares told me they barely knew what I was saying and they were scared. I maintained my composure although I was slowly losing my train of thought. I braved myself to continue with my 'speech'. Actually they did understand, when they tried hard enough they knew what I was saying but of course I had to speak very slowly. I suppose after years of learning English in BM, they have become spoiled. I started off with a simple introduction and after that I asked them to tell me a little bit about themselves. It was obvious, they were very nervous. Invisible beads of sweat seemed to emerge as they slowly told me about themselves. Some of them seemed to be reading from a 'text', they were really afraid of uttering phrases in English and were extremely self-conscious. I really pitied them. I didn't mean to scare them only wanted them to try. But it was also a relief to see that they were willing to try despite their existing fear of the language. My greatest concern was only that many of them aren't very ambitious; i.e. ambitions like policeman, fireman, soldier aren't what you'd say ambitious. I don't mean to undermine these occupations, they are noble indeed but surely I'd like to see them at least thinking of being professionals someday. Perhaps being only 14, thinking about the future is a bit too far for them. My disappointment was soon relieved after I entered 2KAA. I was very happy to find out one of the students in the class likes vampires - which shows she reads something other than the typical Malay reading material. Apparently, she'd really like to read Twilight series but they were too expensive. I started to get to know them and I found out many of them have dreams to become professionals someday. At last, something refreshing and promising. They on the other hand showed effort and willingness to try. They instantly became my angels. In fact I promised to play Twilight in class if they behave and show effort to do the best in class. Nonetheless I must always remember that I must give extra attention to the weaker classes and try my best to help them. Hopefully even inspire them to dream bigger and try harder. To all my students, I wish all of you the best and I always pray for your success. XOXO-Ms Aida

Taking Over Pn Haniza’s classes

On the third day I was told that I’ll be given Pn Haniza’s classes as she was away for maternity leave. I accepted the responsibilities and was ready to start doing my job. I had like a million plans and ideas on my mind. The classes that I had to teach were 5C, 3M, 6B1 and 6B2. All exam classes, as Pn Haniza is the Head of English Language Panel. It was a lot of work and honestly I dislike picking up where other people left off. So first things first, I asked my students where they stopped and looked at all their books. I must say, they haven’t been doing much. Somehow, it’s difficult because I understand a teacher’s position as the challenge of teaching weak students is unbelievable. Teachers have to be super dedicated if they were to be that Good Samaritan, the teacher who doesn’t only teach, but motivate and inspire. On the other hand, the students sit in a comfort zone. Most refuse to try, don’t even want to put in extra effort. When I discovered that the students were failing their BM I realized that it was impossible to try to get them to learn English. My first experience reading their essays was a torture. I dread the idea of reading their work because it’s so depressing. Not that I’m complaining but I feel really helpless. What was I to do to improve the situation? I was beginning to feel that it was just too late and I might as well give up on them. Many will comment and say that teachers aren’t doing much. However, many fail to see that school isn’t just about being in the classroom. School activities and inevitable circumstances; i.e. the school’s 1 week quarantine and numerous tests put all my ideas and plans to a halt. I get so frustrated when we get caught up with the system. The system wants to test the students who are obviously unprepared for exams. They haven’t even mastered the basics and they aren’t the lot who would struggle for success. It’s again the complacent kampong attitude that really gets on my nerve – NO SENSE OF URGENCY! Times really have changed. No longer do I see poor students who persevere and go through hardships with high motivation to change their lives. Honestly, I sympathize with them, I truly am learning to empathize but it takes time to improve, let alone make change.